I saw her lying on the bed. With something unbearable pain flashing on her boney face. It's thundering outside, lighting bolts were around. I am only fourteen years old then, afraid of the lighting bolts cause it might enters and hits me.I am crying for two things that very moment. One is by guilt and the other is by pity.
Guilt starts envelopes my entire system every time since grade school, every time the weather is so unfriendly, every time she fell the pain she is encountering now. Every flash of lighting bolt is equivalent to I think thousands needle-like caused pain in her lower abdomen. Right there at the scar on it. Where did that scar came from? Why is it on her abdomen? Why is that so long? I think five inches long. Then she explains to me the cause of it. But not entirely the whole thing i guess.
She had undergone an operation fourteen years ago. A caesarian operation. Every moaned of pain she maked will like spears or knife hits my heart. I can't do anything to ease the pain she is feeling. Sometimes I ask God to Please Minimized Her Agonies and give the other to me.
My birthday is nearly there. It's fast approaching. I am cursing the day.I don't like that day to come. Even if I myself doesn't believe at first on what I heard, now I am afraid for what would that cause. Nine months more to go before that day. I kinda make false future in my brain and have a day dreaming: that she will be getting well soon. She and me, together with the other members of the family of course, will celebrate that day together. But the reality really engulfs my unrealistic mind. And then I was back in the real world, and trying to make up myself.
The reality that the woman lying on the bed is my mother. My very own mother, and my one and only. And she's giving birth to us (me and my twin) that's why she got the scar. The scar that causes pain every flash of the lighting bolt based on science. And the worst thing of it is that I have heard a humors that a person who had undergone some operation like that will only live for fifteen years. I didn't believe it until I reach the age of fourteen and seeing her starts losing weights and stay on the bed longer that she usually do.
Seven months later, my mother hadn't fought her illness any longer. She died two months before my 15th birthday. We had really did the best that we could to win her. She was admitted for a couple of months in the best hospital in our place no matter how expensive it will cost. We sold the lot inherited by my father from his ancestors. But still, God stops giving us hope to be with her in longer time. I felt so down and it really comes to the point that i really wan't to give up. It's all my fault. If not because of me and my twin that scar wouldn't be there.
There's really a point of my life where i questions the unfairness f God. The unfairness of life, and the unfairness of everything. Why my parents? They were still so young upon leaving the moment of being alive. Why did God let this happen to us, to them? They were both a good parents. They were never become the problem of the society. I hope God forgave me for all those things.
That's the most cursive part of my life. It is really so hard to cope it up. I have to plan a lot of significant things to live life continually and to have a lot of inspiration to reorganize myself and continue living. I need to be strong, no other choice. There were still people around who loves me. Specially HIM and him. And i love them also.
Guilt starts envelopes my entire system every time since grade school, every time the weather is so unfriendly, every time she fell the pain she is encountering now. Every flash of lighting bolt is equivalent to I think thousands needle-like caused pain in her lower abdomen. Right there at the scar on it. Where did that scar came from? Why is it on her abdomen? Why is that so long? I think five inches long. Then she explains to me the cause of it. But not entirely the whole thing i guess.
She had undergone an operation fourteen years ago. A caesarian operation. Every moaned of pain she maked will like spears or knife hits my heart. I can't do anything to ease the pain she is feeling. Sometimes I ask God to Please Minimized Her Agonies and give the other to me.
My birthday is nearly there. It's fast approaching. I am cursing the day.I don't like that day to come. Even if I myself doesn't believe at first on what I heard, now I am afraid for what would that cause. Nine months more to go before that day. I kinda make false future in my brain and have a day dreaming: that she will be getting well soon. She and me, together with the other members of the family of course, will celebrate that day together. But the reality really engulfs my unrealistic mind. And then I was back in the real world, and trying to make up myself.
The reality that the woman lying on the bed is my mother. My very own mother, and my one and only. And she's giving birth to us (me and my twin) that's why she got the scar. The scar that causes pain every flash of the lighting bolt based on science. And the worst thing of it is that I have heard a humors that a person who had undergone some operation like that will only live for fifteen years. I didn't believe it until I reach the age of fourteen and seeing her starts losing weights and stay on the bed longer that she usually do.
Seven months later, my mother hadn't fought her illness any longer. She died two months before my 15th birthday. We had really did the best that we could to win her. She was admitted for a couple of months in the best hospital in our place no matter how expensive it will cost. We sold the lot inherited by my father from his ancestors. But still, God stops giving us hope to be with her in longer time. I felt so down and it really comes to the point that i really wan't to give up. It's all my fault. If not because of me and my twin that scar wouldn't be there.
There's really a point of my life where i questions the unfairness f God. The unfairness of life, and the unfairness of everything. Why my parents? They were still so young upon leaving the moment of being alive. Why did God let this happen to us, to them? They were both a good parents. They were never become the problem of the society. I hope God forgave me for all those things.
That's the most cursive part of my life. It is really so hard to cope it up. I have to plan a lot of significant things to live life continually and to have a lot of inspiration to reorganize myself and continue living. I need to be strong, no other choice. There were still people around who loves me. Specially HIM and him. And i love them also.
